Whether you’ve been offered a lucrative position in another city, or believe a certain place to be the haven of your dreams, or just can’t stand the extreme weather conditions in your current area anymore, you may have a good reason to relocate and look for happiness someplace else. Your partner (or spouse), however, may not feel the same way about such a big step in your common life. Fear of the unknown, unwillingness to part with family and friends, and anxiety over change are all powerful factors that effectively work against the idea of moving house.
Such a reluctance to step out of one’s comfort zone and brave the risks, however, may result in many missed opportunities and bitter regrets. So, what is to be done when one spouse wants to move but the other doesn’t?
Weigh the pros and the cons of an eventual relocation
In order to convince your reluctant spouse of the benefits an eventual relocation will bring to your life, first you need to make sure that it will be really worth the effort and the stress involved. Consider the following crucial factors:
1) Financial advantages – find out if your life will actually improve after the relocation:
- Will you receive a considerable financial boost as a result of a higher income?
- Will you have a chance to advance in your career and improve your skills, knowledge, and competence in your area of expertise?
- Are there appropriate career opportunities available in the region?
- Is the cost of living in your new city affordable?
- What are your housing options?
2) Available opportunities – find out what opportunities your new new city has to offer:
- Will the new environment be beneficial for your children (if any) in terms of safety, education, hobby and recreational activities, new friendships, etc.?
- Are there plenty of entertainment options, sports and music events, movie theaters, restaurants, green areas, etc. available in your new area that will allow you to relax and recharge with positive energy?
3) Moving issues – find out how hard the actual relocation process will be:
- Can you find an affordable new home in a safe and prosperous neighborhood?
- Will you be able to cover all the moving-related expenses without going broke?
- Do you have the organizational skills and the required know-how to perform a smooth and trouble-free relocation?
4) Sentimental factors – find out if you and your family will be able to accept the change in a positive way and to enjoy your new life:
- Is the weather in the area to your liking?
- Is the lifestyle (prevailing points of view and established social norms) in your new surroundings compatible with yours?
- Will you be able to easily adjust to the new environment and find new friends?
- How much will you regret the things you are leaving behind?
All in all, if it seems that you will gain more than you will lose by moving house, you can bravely proceed with your plans. However, you need to find a way to do so without damaging your marriage.
Discuss the issue at length
Once you come to the conclusion that a house move is your best course of action under the present circumstances, you need to talk with your spouse about your feelings, needs, and expectations of the change. When discussing the proposed relocation, you will both get a fair idea about the issues involved and the possible solutions.
- Explain the situation and ask for your partner’s opinion;
- Show empathy and let your spouse know that you understand how much he/she will have to sacrifice (articulating the downsides will work very well to your advantage as it will keep your partner from going to an extremely negative point of view just to balance you out);
- Lay out all the advantages that an eventual relocation will bring to both of you – use clear facts and numbers to prove your point;
- Find something specific that your spouse will most probably like about the new place – a safer and friendlier community, better healthcare, great educational opportunities, abundant chances to pursuit the hobbies or activities he/she enjoys, etc.
Have in mind that it is usually not the change that people hate so much, but the inevitable losses it involves. If you can figure out how to minimize potential losses, you’ll have a better chance to convince your reluctant spouse to go along with the move.
Agree on a compromise
If your spouse doesn’t want to move despite the probable advantages, consider a compromise – suggest a temporary move. Rent out your current home and move to your chosen city for a certain period of time. Give it about a two-year tryout, for example, and reassess the situation. If your partner still doesn’t feel comfortable in the new surroundings, hates the area, and regrets the relocation, consider moving back – even if it is not financially justifiable, returning to your “sweet home” may still be the right thing to do.
Visit your potential new city before making a final decision
It is advisable to thoroughly research the place you intend to move to well in advance – use the Internet to find out any relevant information about the city, check with friends and acquaintances that live in the area, or follow local blogs, forums, and township sites to get an accurate idea of the positive and negative aspects of the place.
However, the best thing you can do under the circumstances is physically explore the city together with your spouse – look at houses for sale, check out local schools, visit a farmer’s market, have dinner in a nice family restaurant, etc. This will help you make better decisions about your new life and will put your partner’s fears at ease.
Organize a trouble-free move
Without a doubt, the great hassle involved in the relocation process is one of the main reasons why your spouse is reluctant to move. If you plan every stage of the moving endeavor well enough to ensure a smooth and stress-free relocation, your significant other will certainly accept the change in a much more positive way. So, start the moving preparations as early as possible and make sure you:
- Create a realistic moving budget and find efficient ways to cut down the moving cost as much as possible (don’t forget to ask about available relocation packages, for example);
- Find trustworthy cross-country movers to handle your relocation;
- Take care of all the relevant paperwork;
- Sort out and pack your belongings in a safe and efficient manner;
- Take precautionary measures to avoid injuries and accidents on moving day;
- Find the time and the way to say a proper goodbye to all the special people and favorite places you are going to leave behind.
Moving house is a life-changing event which inevitably entails a great emotional upheaval in a relationship. Allow yourself and your partner enough time to deal with the change and cope with the challenges you are faced with. What matters is to respect the other person’s opinions and feelings, to share your expectations and fears, and to make every important decision together – this way you will be able to enjoy each and every moment of your life, wherever you may live at that moment.
I think health issues due to weather should be number one, even before financial. If the weather is debilitating one cannot continue to live in an area that makes them worse. If you don’t have your health one has nothing.
My problem is a very fair Irish complexion, systemic lupus and lifelong intolerance to heat. I moved from AZ to CO but now last summer and this I am nearly unable to leave my home due to searingly high temps. Global warming, I need Washington State! My husband doesn’t’ want to move away from the area we both grew up in here in Colorado, and I understand, but I’ve felt so lousy this year that I made him take our first vacation in6 years; all we did was fight anyway. So I’m leaving on my own.
what happened eventually? are u ok?
My husband wants to move back to where he’s from but I have my adult son and daughter and new grandbaby herd.do I move or stay here by mydelf?
Omg Linda. I’m going through the same. Hubby says he wants to move back to where he was born. I have my son a daughter and granddaughter, a sister and my lifelong friends here. I don’t know what to do with this..
Did you end up leaving? How are you now?
i did the same..i also did go up the northwest before ending up at the east coast..sometimes you have to do what you have to do…sadly. some people are unable to change rt childhood trauma or whatever it is that makes them inflexible…if the shoe were reveresed and we were the ones with the better health and steady income..we probably would jump to move and help them out..some people..though they love you have a very hard time with change..ive noticed colorado people seem to be the worst at this..native coloradians think there is no better place on earth to live…to me its the worst place on earth to live..
I hear you a out the sun’s radiation and heat, sorry about your Lupus. My daughter suffers from that as well. I am in Washington State on the eastern side. I have been here with my family since high school. My husband from New Jersey went south with his family. During his military career he decided to move to Washington State to escape his parents. His parents in their late 80’s want him close for their end of life. I understand this and agree to visit with him. He has other plans, he wa ts to get away from snow removal and have a longer warm season. He wants to move to Oklahoma near his parents. But he does not want to visit he wants to move there. So I am torn. Go with him or stay. To stay means divorce.
MY wife is npd and she’s GOING by that illnees to keep us stuck and we made agreement to move back home for health reasons but she doesn’t care
exactly..im dealing with this…ive needed to move and have tried before…its now to the point i did recently move from the dry high altitude south west to ocean …as dr recommended. my spouse is bent on living in the west..and i believe he still thinks i can come out there 6 mo out of the year. ive done my best…i cant do it anymore..as you say if you dont have your health you have nothing. i am significantly better when out of the dry high altitude sw. i am not even that old yet..and as it is spent 7 years there. have had multiple maxillo facial surgeries..rt some jaw issues…have had repeated sinus infections and antibiotics..2 sinus surgeries…im not doing it anymore…as well as i get sleep apnea every time i have a sinus infection..rt upper airway resistance..its to the point i now have osteitis of the maxilla and i doubt it will ever totally heal. the humidity in sw co stays at 11 inside our house in winter…and humidifier doesnt help…in the summer its dry as can be…if i try to use a humidifier as md suggests..husband just opens windows at night anyway for the “fresh air” there is dust and its just been a bad experience. my husband has refused to problem solve or discuss the situation..and always blames it on me that i would be this way anywhere when in reality i am totally better as soon as im out. now he texts how lonely he is and how much he just misses me. im past the point of worrying..ive tried to get him to help me decide where he would move and make a compromise…he doesnt want to budge. finally i chose the ocean as it is the best possible place for me. i tried arizona for him as a last resort to see if an altitude change would help and it was a disaster. my father flew out and helped me drive back east..im here to stay. my husband believes he will probably be able to be here during the winter season. otherwise i cant worry about it. when you get married it doesnt mean you have to live in one town or state for the rest of your life just for one spouse…when your health is that affected. he is the one who works..and i havent worked in a while..so am trying to find work. still im so thankful to get out of colorado..im not looking back. i love my husband but there comes a point when you have to do what you have to do…im also not living my life around a humidifier. i will do best in a milder ocean climate with short winters..and less low humidity and heat on inside as all of that dries out the air. for me i have a severe problem with this…it is debilitating…;)
I understand what you are talking about. I had a stroke and my Dr said part of the problem was smoking so I quit the same day. He also said I needed to move because of the bad air we have here which could cause another stroke or worse. My Husband knows this but is fighting it every step of the way. He says he loves our home here and we will only be able to live in a piece of junk if we move away. He doesn’t want to leave his friends here especially one certain friend. We put down on a house where our kids live that we both like and now that they accepted our offer he says it’s a piece of junk and we won’t have any money to fix it up ever and Now we will never to be able to live in as nice of a house as this ever again. Everything he says now is negative and angry but we sign the final papers soon. He always wants to have his own way and now hasn’t talked to me for 3 days.
Wow! Your experience sounds so much like mine! I am fighting repeated sinus infections and skins disorders SO MUCH since moving to this very arid place. The winters are extremely long and very windy causing more problems and even drier air than in the summer. The summers are very nice here but only last 2.8 months long or so it seems. I have been going through perimenopause and the arid temps have dried me out completely. I have aged so quickly and used to look so much younger than my age. I feel dependant on my spouse as the bread winner because I also struggle with the symptoms of Fibromyalgia. The healthcare system here is great but is it worth than “perk” to live in complete misery most of the time? I have considered a legal separation but that is just as costly as divorce. I don’t have the collective energy to handle all of that, so I’m considering just simply leaving, go to a better climate and get my life and health back! We argue too, because my spouse has no affection for getting healthy (aside from supplements) and supporting my desires to do so. It’s always a battle just to go for walks…so I go by myself… I am a swimmer by nature, but everytime I have gotten in a pool or spa here, it results in some weird skin or sinus issue…never had this at my own pool in my home state. I desire to live near the ocean too as I love the salty air, particularly and the light weight clothing. Yes, summers on the coast can be very heavy feeling, but I have handled that most of my life and know what to do to stay cool indoors or outdoors. Shade is a very nice thing in sunny locales, but not if you live in a town that stay dark much of the year. Completely depressing! I am at the point, as I have stated to my spouse, that I am tired of living my life for everyone else’s needs and desires. All that has ever brought me was a twisted version of happiness or now, has completely drained me of life.
Look up covert narcissism; I have your same problem
I would really like to know how everyone got on – what did they eventually do and how did it go?
I see similarities with some of the posters. I am married and living in my husband’s home city in the UK, in the house he inherited from his dad. I never wanted to move here but, as usual, was the one who bent to accommodate, with the proviso that I ‘designed’ the re-do.
The move went ahead, the builders, despite being chosen with care, truly caused the House Move from Hell, with some issues persisting, including alarms that go off randomly and make me worry about the electrics. Some things done wrongly and annoy me every day, just a big saga that shouldn’t have happened.
The house feels like it has nothing to do with me, we didn’t choose it ‘together’, this might feel crazy but I feel the house hates me and is cursed. There was a lot of unhappiness and loss here in the past but my husband experienced great trauma at a young age and seems stuck in the past.
The house is full of big spiders, all year round which is freaking me out.
It’s in a semi rural location in a non cosmopolitan area, all families, very conventional. One neighbour was really friendly at the start, took me in and gave me wine, got loads of info out of me then kept me at arms length.
We lived in a cosmopolitan area before and I was close with my neighbours and there was life bustling around.
Now, the neighbours on the other side have started being funny, I have no idea why, it’s bringing up memories of being bullied many times, a really awful feeling.
There are shops within walking distance but you get there by really busy roads, walking past funeral parlours, so depressing.
I’ve voiced all this endlessly to my husband, he doesn’t want to know, it’s always been his way or the highway, he says yes yes and gets angry, won’t budge.
I have fibromyalgia and a tiny business that is hardly making any money, it wouldn’t be enough to live on alone, he works full time and now pays for just about everything.
We have a cat who I know would not be looked after as well if i left, although cared for, he’d be left alone for long periods of time in a house where I worry about the electrics and I think of him being lonely and wanting stuff and no one being there so I feel I can’t leave and I’m sacrificing myself.
I don’t feel strong enough to go and face another move and surviving alone, I’m scared but have had more than enough of being with someone who isn’t really married.
Feel stuck, I’m praying on it.
I think praying on all of this is a good idea. I mean that sincerely. I’m in a similar/different situation..I moved to my husband’s farm 32 years ago. Now, the kids are grown and I’m very lonelyl. I never liked the community; I’ve tried to join/volunteer and I have worked here too…but I’m a “city girl” who married a guy from the country. WE are at an impasse; he says he “wont leave’ but i can do what I want. Wow…that makes it kind of hard. All on me. I pray about this as well.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this
Is there someone you can stay with for a little while like take your cat along too? Just to show your husband you mean business?
Where did you find near the ocean with low humidity? That would be a great compromise for me and my husband. I love the war that don the ocean and he hates humidity
I agree, I looked this up to see if I am being unreasonable in asking to move because of being in pain. My fibromyalgia and degenerative pain go down significantly in warm weather and I feel held hostage in the freezing Northeast in pain every day. I dream of going from a 10 pain to a 2 rated pain in warmer weather. Thinking of leaving a long term relationship who is not interested in moving and helping me to feel more energized again.
We moved cross country several years ago to be near children and grand children. We found good jobs, and are making our way. Now my spouse wants to move back. Reasons are to see his sister….he never saw her before the move. To see his best friend. He had months he could have spent with him when he was laid off and didn’t. My mom, since she won’t move, she is elderly and will have to move at some point in the next few years and there is NO way I can live with both of them. Stress would kill me. My brother, whom I talk to frequently but when I lived there only saw maybe once a year. He misses the area. Went there for a whole week last summer and he did nothing, saw no one, made no plans. Has done very little since we moved here to make this a home….no different than when we lived on the other end of the country.
This has me sick.
Has anything improved since you wrote this? How are you?
My husband looks at RE magazines,but I can ask if we can look for another place,due to our health.His arthuritis is getting bad in his knees and legs. and our yard is so steep,you have to walk sideways.He says he’s so used to this place.I’m thinking about our health.I mentioned this off and ouw for months.Even show him possibilities of beautiful homes(with flat yards)online.He still won’t budge.He won’t disscuss it!Any suggestions?
I know your situation, Should introduce my wife to your husband. I am looking for a piece of unrestricted acreage and will by a used motorhome to live there. When she decides she wants to sell the house, I will not allow it. When she wants a divorce, I will contest it. I will be happy!
Gee, Will you sound like a real POS husband. You will contest it good luck with that.
We moved to be near bf’s mother…who I cannot stand to be around because she’s soooo nosy. In fact, his whole family lives in this city and I hate it. I don’t want to live here, stay here, grow old here, die here. I can’t stand it in this city. But he loves it. I just don’t even know what to do. I love him but seriously, I don’t think this place is right for me. I feel lost.
I currently live in a small country town in Illinois. My family moved here about 4 years ago from Florida and I regret moving here every day. I miss the beautiful weather of my home in The south. I moved here and met my now husband who has family here but who we never see anymore. My life has changed so much and I really have nothing good to say about this place. I can’t wait to move back south and be with my kids by the beach.
I would gladly trade places with you any day! I hate the South for it’s weather. And the mountains…..beautiful, yet stifling and make me claustrophobic. I spend an extraordinary amount of time wishing I could move back home to MI from NC. But I’m really stuck here. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I can’t believe I got myself stuck here. I don’t think my husband and I will ever agree on a place to live. He has no desire to move. That probably doesn’t bode well for us.
I’m in a similar situation. Has anything changed since you posted this?
Does he love you?
18 years in the Houston Tx area & I can not take the heat. Im from New England & want to compromise to spend a few weeks in the summer back north. We are very close to retirement but he won’t discuss it. Its more than the weather; its the urban sprawl here, the congestion, the traffic, no back roads, flooding etc., etc. Depression is getting really bad because I can not see a future here year round.
i love the south also…;)
I am in a very similar situation. My wife wants to move for her job and to be closer to family, but I can’t stand her family. I know nobody in the area, and will be leaving a lucrative stable job (that I don’t want to leave) and live off my wife. We have a child and another one on its way. My wife pretty much gave me an ultimatum, stating separation or divorce will be the case if I don’t follow. I can’t stand the inlaws!!! If anything happens such a divorce, she will be set up great in her dream job, close to family and support, and the location she always dreamed off…while I will be unemployed, unable to move (because my kids can’t be moved away from their mother), with no support. i too feel lost!
DON’T FALL FOR HER ULTIMATUMS!!!!! I DID THIS AND MY WIFE LEFT ME THREE MONTHS LATER ANYWAYS….DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
How is your situation now?
If she is already threatening divorce before the move as she appears to have little regard for your needs she will most certainly divorce you once she is in her support zone after the move. She is relocating to put herself in a better position to live alone
I would move. Honestly, If you are having issues with his family now it will only get worse. It may seem like tough advice but if you were to get engaged and married then you would be in a real sticky situation in which you would not be able to move at all. If it were me and I’ve been in this situation I would move. If you see yourself happier or better off in a different place I would make all arrangements to move and call his bluff. If he doesn’t move then you are better off and if he does then you get what you wanted.
I totally agree and wish id moved sooner. My wife never kept her promise to move 16 years ago. We are married 21 and still here.
Sitting in the boat with you. 24 years here so far…. A Floridian stuck in -14 degree weather in SD.
Currently stuck a Pennsylvanian stuck in Pierre South Dakota – the middle of nowhere! My husband does not want to move away from his family, and I want to move back closer to my family. I’m an only child, we would like to have kids someday soon but I don’t want to give birth in SD. I want my parents to be able to see their grandchildren as well. Husband’s siblings have kids already, so his parents are already grandparents to 3 children. I don’t know what to do, my mental health is really suffering because of this.
I feel this way about Savannah Ga. My husband loves it here. Both of us are from Kentucky. It’s okay here but I actually don’t like living on the coast. I miss Kentucky terribly. It fits me like an old shoe. But at the same time, I love my husband. He promised when we first moved here that we would love back of I really wanted to but now he ignored that.
Key Lee – I feel the same. If you see this, what happened?
My husband moved me into his house, we got married and his adult children wanted the house and forcefully had me out of the house. My husband rented us an apartment and let his adult children stay in the house. I am not at all happy. I live in a new town with no friends or family. I want to move back home, he doesn’t.. If we legally separate can I move back home even if it’s his house and he doesn’t want to?
If the house was in his name before you married and you were not put on the deed, it is his and you have no spousal rights in most states. If you live in a state like Commie-fornia who knows? Check with a local law school on the law in your state.
Recently moved to SW Florida from Wisconsin. I hate it. My husband was retired and disliked the long winters and convinced me to move. I wanted to test it out for a couple years first as a snowbird I never even visited the place we moved to. 55 + community which is very boring
I liked the change of seasons back home and miss our daughter and hometown community and the humidity here is awful so you stay inside anyway. I want the cool crisp air of wis back! Biggest mistake of my life
I told him I am living back in wiscondin next summer or I am out of here permanently
I feel your pain somewhat. I decided to move to North Carolina from Michigan after graduating college, almost 12 years ago. Got stuck in a bad relationship for 4 years, then met my now-husband whom I have a child with. I have never loved it here and almost left in my first year here, but convinced myself I was a sissy, so I needed to stay. I can’t say it was a mistake because I love my husband and daughter, but we are totally stuck here for at least another 7 years until my stepson is out on his own. Shared custody. What a nightmare. I can’t believe I did this to myself. I hate the weather here. It is so humid all the time. And hot. My goodness the heat in the South never ends. I don’t blame you. It is only a matter of time before I am back to MI. I can’t possibly live my life out in this hellish heat.
I grew up in Ohio and my wife moved up there to be with me after we married. Couple years later her mom’s health declined and my wife asked if I’d move down to help her. Originally, our plan was to move after my wife earned her degree in teaching, which would have been 6 or 7 years later, but we moved in 2 years and my wife never finished her degrees. So we are financially strapped in SC and I’ve been contemplating moving back to OH. This has been something on my heart and not sure why and I know it will not go well with my wife when I bring it up. I just don’t know when or how. But financially, we are kind of stuck here too.
I feel the same way… I moved to Raleigh from Buffalo, NY with my then b-friend, now husband…he is from Raleigh (moved here when he was 12). I miss WNY sooo much. I’m originally from NJ…I abhor this heat and this weather… I can’t stand it…feel like I’m suffocating…Wish my husband was open to moving.
SW Florida is super boring. All these fake designed communities suck. No community is lively without young people and families. When families are split up and it’s seniors only, the cities lose the neighborhood feel and become sooo boring!! I went to Port Charlotte/Punta Gorda, and it was considered lively by SW Fl standards! It is so hard to make friends there plus there is nothing to do.
I hear ya.Im in Florida miss my family so much. I’m very lonely here.Husband said if u want to go back go……he’s not going.
I’m in a similar situation where I need to move back to my home country in England. And my spouse doesn’t want to. At the moment I’m living in Kenya, my husband is running the hotel as a manager I have a little boy who’s just over a year. We’re living in a hotel for two years now and I feel like a prisoner because I can’t go out, there’s no activities here for my little one and no friends we’re stuck in one place with no freedom of movement and my husband is refusing me to go back. I’ve explained to him that’s it better there no just for us but more importantly for our son who’s ready for nursery and needs to interact with other children and here it’s impossible and the nurseries here are expensive where in England it’s free. Last time when i was visiting my family my son was happy there, because I had the chance of taking him out to the park. Since I came back to Kenya my son feels down and I can tell its affecting him emotionally.
Whenever I try and talk it through with my husband he threatens me with an injunction and lawyers. What do I do and how can I resolve this? I’m desperate for advice…
Hi, if you’ve tried explaining to your husband that living in Kenya has negative emotional effects on your child, then is there a way you can get on the plane to England clandestinely? You’ll have a lot to answer for once you’re there, it will be a hard road, legally and otherwise, but at least you’ll be there. If you stay, it’s a harder road.
My spouse and I moved to Nevada 3 years ago. My son lives in NV and other son passed away 8 years ago, neither are my spouse’s children. We both agreed to move to NV after visiting for several years and my main motivation was to be by my son. After living here one year my spouse wanted to move back to SW Florida as his brother has moved there. He does have a son that lives in Florida too that we saw infrequently. His reasoning to go back is that Las Vegas NV is too big and a fast pace. His hometown were he grew up was very small and so was the city we lived in at Florida. I understand all of his reasoning although do not want to move back to this retirement community, and I like living by my son. He says I can visit anytime I want but things usually don’t work out that easily once you move. Friends (the few I have here) say how much do you really see your son. More than if I lived in Florida. He has done little to try and like it here and it has been hard to make friends. Maybe I am putting off the inevitable but I am not sold
I’m 44 and my husband is 67. I came out of an eight year court battle with my ex, 106 court hearings I won against his team of attorneys but WOW did it take a toll on my health. I want to move 20 minutes away from our current area to live in the country on 10 acres. I want to build a beautiful new peaceful life with my current husband and children. I want to give them earthy grounded roots. We have the ability to afford a lifestyle on a ranch with horses and goats and Alpacas. I’ve had these kind of big animals before and fell in love with them. I want to go back to a lifestyle like that. After 8 years in court, 40,000 hours of paperwork and court trials, I’m desperately needing the simpler low stress life. BUT my husband is older and has lived in his home for 30 years and is scared to leave it. The problem with me staying is that my husband does everything in this house and won’t let me do anything in it. I have nothing to do that gives me purpose in our house. I want to move but my kids and my husband want to stay. I don’t think they realize how much fun it would be for them. I’m really heartbroken.
Show them this exact thing you wrote! You should care for them in the same amount they care for you. You try their way perhaps they should try yours too! Then and just then they could say I didn’t like it.
Absolutely!
I am so glad I found this forum! You are the only folks I’ve found who are in the same situation I’m in–living in a climate/town that makes me miserable. I was single for 12 years after my heartbreaking divorce. So when I finally found real love with a wonderful man, I didn’t think twice about moving to Florida to be with him. I’m a nurse–I have no problem finding solid employment pretty much everywhere I go–but he’s been in Tampa for 30 years now and has employment that is decidedly not portable…and is work he absolutely loves doing. We’ve been living in a small, charming beach community for most of the 5 years I’ve been here. Problem is…I’m not a water person. I also suffered heat stroke while in the Army and have a terrible time tolerating the heat now. Last summer, the temperature reached 91 degrees every, single day for 6 straight months. Oh, except for the days during Hurricane Irma, when we had to evacuate and be prepared to lose everything we owned.
I’m at a point where I hate living here. And like others who have told their stories here, I too have scolded myself for not being able to make this work. My husband LOVES living here–I fell horrible that I don’t share his enthusiasm! I so desperately want to love it here! But I’ve finally come to grips with the fact that I honestly and truly don’t like it here. I miss the seasons terribly, especially autumn. I also miss having no place to hike (I am terrified of alligators and snakes, which populate the hiking trails here). And being cooped up for 6 months is brutal on me.
I am completely committed to my husband and this marriage. He’s my best friend and I’ve waited a long, long time for something this good. But staying here is becoming increasingly difficult and unpleasant for me. So we are exploring our possibly living in different towns and sort of “commuting” back and forth to each other until he retires in 4-5 years. Kills me to have to consider this as an option, but I don’t know what else to do. I may end up moving back to Massachusetts so that I can be close to family–flying out of Hartford to Tampa is actually very easy. But I hate “deserting” him. He relies on my love and support and I rely on his strength and humor. I have no idea how we’re going to make this work, there are so many “moving parts.”
I’m just grateful you guys are talking about this. I don’t feel so alone now, so thanks.
I sublet an apartment in ny all summer and fly to ny a lot I don’t like leaving husband so long but I do.I left my whole family I miss them all the time
I know what you mean. The love of my life is from Missouri and I’m from Chicago. He’s disabled and owns his own business so he can live anywhere. However, I have lived my entire life in the suburbs of Chicago. The little bit of family I still have live in the burbs. Every memory I have is rooted in these suburbs. My mother died shortly before we move (my father is buried not far from our old house) and my only sibling died within weeks of putting our house on the market. I miss all the amenities of living in a big city and I often feel very alone even when my husband is here in the house with me. I regret letting him talk me into moving even though I know we’re better off financially living here.
Going though the same now – my wife wants to move from a town and house that we built – all our friends for a job that would be one step up from hers – just for a VP title.
We are both approaching 60 and I want to retire soon – and she is now proposing living separately just so she can take this job…so stressed.
I’m so happy I found this site! I’m living in California with my husband of 8 years. We have been together 18 years. My daughter and grandson live 3 hrs away. We don’t have children together. I’ve been driving to and from my daughter’s house by myself for the 18 years that I’ve been with him. I’m 55 and he’s 62. My grandson is 9 months now, and my husband hasn’t met him yet. He wants them to drive over to our house, and then he said he will meet my grandson. My daughter doesn’t like my husband and chooses not to stay with us. And now having a baby makes it more difficult for them to make such a long trip. I have been trying to get my husband to move, because I miss my family, but he doesn’t want to, and I’m tired of driving so far, and He gets upset when I leave to visit them. I don’t know what to do at this point. I want to enjoy my grandson and spend more time with my daughter. We are very close. Suggestions would be helpful.
I think you know the answer. Don’t you think you will have regrets if you do not spend more time with your daughter and grandson? It sounds like you are torn and won’t leave your husband permanently, but can you get a short term rental and stay for a month or longer?
i agree with others Dalene. You know the answer. (hint: any husband who gets “upset” because his wife wants to spend time with a grandchild is, well….jealous and ridiculous). Opt for your daughter and her family. He can elect to join you if he wishes to be part of the fun.
it’s been four years since you posted here; what are you doing now? I, too, am in an excellent second marriage (we’ve been married many years now)…but we’re on a farm (his farm)…and I desperately want to move 40 miles to the nearby city of my youth (and where our four adult kids and grandkids reside). But he says he will never leave this farm. it’s so hard for me; the community is semi rural and I’m lonely here, esp with the kids grown. Did you move back to Massachusettes?
i re-read your response from 4 years ago; What did you decide to do?
I live in New York. Long Island to be exact. I’ve been here 9 years. I have a wife and two young boys. She was born and raised here with a big family. I’m from the Dallas area. I’m in the medical field and make a decent income but this area is very expensive. Financial stress is constant and I’m not happy working in my field anymore. She has her master’s in education but has never had a teaching position outside of daycare because it’s very difficult to find a position. Teacher’s incomes here are very good but the daycare wages are low. We have an opportunity to move to Texas and I would begin to manage my father’s rental properties. I would be able to exit my current field and start out making almost the same salary as I do here. This would be like me getting a 50,000 raise here as far a cost of living goes. Teaching positions are easier to get there as well. My current limited vacations would be gone. We would have the time and means to visit NY on a regular basis such as holidays and long summer stays. She’s been hot and cold on the idea, mostly cold. We are going to visit the area I want to move to in the spring. I feel so trapped.
Hi Brad,
I found your article very interesting. I have lived in NYC most of my life and my husband is from Long Island and wants to go back so our kids can grow up there. He says he hates the city and the kids would have more opportunities over there. I have been trying to get a job in Long Island and I have not received a call back. Plus the salaries offered would not even cover basic expenses as Long Island is very expensive. So I do not want to move there. My husband has said that if we don’t move he will divorce me and find someone over there. I honestly am at the point of contemplating divorce. I find it very unfair that he would want me to move knowing I may not be able to get a job. For some reason I find that people who have been born and raised in Long Island are not flexible and feel the need to stay there forever even knowing that most jobs/companies have left the area…
Long Island is very expensive but nice. My kids are making it because thank God they have good jobs.But some commute and it sucks. Been there done that. Maybe move to Queens. Bayside Whitestone is real nice. May be a good compromise.
Oh btw my husband says I can go back to ny but he won’t go. So I understand I struggle with this too.
I hear ya…..my kids and most of family live on Long Island..it s super expensive. I rent all summer sublet there And go back and forth. I live in Florida. Good idea to visit in Texas. And perhaps rent and keep ny till you see how it goes good luck.
I have the opportunity to take a job in Arizona that would get us closer to our family on the west coast, but my husband used to live there and thinks it’s a pit. He doesn’t have to work, he’s disabled, but I do. This job would be a promotional opportunity for me, although I wouldn’t make any more money right now. The potential is there for the future and I was really excited about it. All my kids are on board with moving, they like the idea. He’s the only one holding us back. We moved to the east coast 5 years ago and love where we live (we are close to the beach) but the cost of living is expensive and there’s no jobs in my industry that will pay me. Plus I want to be closer to my mother who is 75 and getting frail. She will not move out here.
What is it with spouses that are selfish about stuff like this? I get that he doesn’t like change, but it’s not like he has to worry about retirement anymore, but I do. I’m going to be stuck working the rest of my damn life, if I don’t make some changes soon.
so sorry you’re going through this! My husband will not move as well. I just want to move about 40 minutes away …cheaper taxes and nicer area. Everytime i try to discuss it or show houses we can afford ( that are 10 min from the beach) he acts like he wants to…but if it gets close to making a decision….he says “he’s not sure” what he wants to do. It’s been a strain on our marriage….to the point i’m thinking maybe i’ll go alone. I hope your situation gets better and he decides to go !!
I’m in a totally different situation. Both in our mid to late 50’s. Also from LI. Hubby has afib and is always cold. I am still working, teaching in a private school. He wants to retire and move to Fl, because it’s warmer. We have only one child, who we tried for 5 years to have, he’s now 22 and having his first child. We have NO friends or family in Fl, and when we moved to this home, bought it with the intent that if either of our elderly parents couldn’t or didn’t want to live on their own anymore, they could live with us. My mom is 82 and still living, and we lost his dad in March. So it was all about family, but suddenly he wants to pick up and move to a place where we have NO one. I’ve said to him, you go, I’ll visit, school vacations, weekends, etc, for the few months of snowbirding, but now he says he wants to go for 6 months,
I a, 61 husband is 69. We moved to AZ. from CA six years ago. A few years ago our daughter had her first baby. I fell deeply in love had the urge to move back. Then come the second now all I do is cry because want to be a part of their life. Husband refuses to move we have the means we are both retired. He also has another daughter “four kids” from a previous marriage who also lives near our daughter. We all get along and are happy when we’re together however he is content if he sees them once a year. I just don’t get it/ He has become unproductive watches TV to much I thought he would be golfing more not the case. We both get along with the daughters, We could help raise the grandkids and be involved. Still have our own life as will. He just refuses. He hates CA because of traffic high property tax. However when moving to an active retirement community taxes are not as high. Traffic problem you do your business during the week day. I have read being involved with your grandkids is a benefit you live longer. Active retire community he would find friends to golf with. I am sad all the time! My grandfather lived near by and he was my best friend I couldn’t have asked for a better grandparent and I want the same for my grandkids. The move would be a win win. He is so mad at me he just refuses. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I feel your pain Mary, right now I’m on the same boat. My wife made the worst mistake of her life, she accepted a job in Arizona,we live in Florida and my son and daughter in law had a 2 year old baby that is my life.They are not moving with us and I’m devastated about that. My wife don’t seen to care much about my feelings.All I do is crying and with a severe case of depression.
How did it work out?
I feel the same, my southern born husband moved to NJ in 1986, I haved lived in his townhouse now with him for 18 years , married since 2007. I want a house and small garden, we have disagreed on virtually ever spot thAt we have looked at for years now.
His daughter keeps pressuring us to move in Nashville area, no way, not with the way she bosses everyone around , her OCD is beyond comprehension too.
I feel trapped and his health issues he is working on just seem to hold us back! So frustrated and afraid to now bring it up! He just got fitted for sleep apnea masks and up all night fiddling with it for 6 weeks. I am sleeping on twin bed in office tonight!!!
I completely relate to all of these posts. I’ve lived in Chicago for 15 years, and while it’s a great city I’m desperately seeking a new culture and perspective to immerse myself in. I’d like to live in another city at least once in my life, but my husband is adamant against it. I’m ambitious, crave growth and opportunity, and want a new challenge. He’s content and doesn’t like change – he’d prefer to stay in one spot for the rest of his life and plant roots. I get it but it’s just not me and I feel totally held back and my soul is crushed by this. I can’t help but feel trapped and uninspired. The problem is that he’s afraid to branch out because I believe there are some self esteem issues with finding a successful career elsewhere. I’m comforted that others feel like me and I hope we can all live our best lives someday!
I can totally relate! My wife and I have five children. We’ve been married for 12 years. For 11 years we lived in Miami. I was born in Trenton, NJ but grew up in Miami. I too am ambitious, crave growth, love excitement, and challenges. I love a city/metropolitan atmosphere. However, my wife prefers country/southern living. So since 2013 we have been battling over her desire to live in Jacksonville, FL near all of her family, versus my desire to live in Northern NJ/NYC. In August 2018 I gave in and we moved to Jacksonville. I am really hating it. I really dislike the vibe, it’s mundane, and there isn’t much diversity in the culture. I work in Marketing and currently I have my second very good job offer in the Tri-State area. If I can’t convince her this time, I think I’m going to give up.
I can empathize with many of you. I found this article and thread after a 5:30 a.m. conversation that has been brewing for some time. I’m visually challenged and cannot drive. I married my husband nearly 12 years ago and moved into his house at that time. It’s in a small town with a grocery store and maybe three professional offices downtown, plus the dentist, a coffee shop, and a great little diner. So job opportunities within walking distance are minimal there, especially for me with my degrees. Ironically, my husband has one of the few good jobs within walking distance of our home. So I work in a nearby university town at a community college, part time; I have to leave early so he can drop me at work, stay late – or go somewhere like Starbucks and wait for him to come get me…it’s been wearing on me for a long time now. We had said we’d move within two years of our marriage, and while the economy was not in favor at time, my husband is also reluctant to change. I only want to move about two hours north, to a town in which we have stayed frequently as it’s close to my sister, brother-in-law, and baby niece, and another niece who moved there after high school graduation, and it’s close to his daughter, son-in-law, and three little grandchildren. Since I’m under-employed now, it wouldn’t be hard to replace my income, the city has significantly more opportunities for employment than does our small town, yet it’s not all “big city.” It also has a small public transportation system and Uber. My husband could ask for a transfer and would have a commute, but since he has to bring me into town and pick me up now, it would be better for him than this. With his experience and credentials, he could change companies altogether if he wanted to avoid that commute. He says I want to change just for the sake of change. While I’m certainly not opposed to the idea of an adventure and a new start, the list of practical factors, like 20 – 30 minutes from family rather than 2 – 3 hours, and transportation and employment options for me, seem like pretty valid reasons to me – not just “change for the sake of change.”
After reading this I feel a little stronger knowing that there are so many people in this situation.
I’m also wanting to move. I’ve grown up moving around and lived in six different countries so far, and I always liked and wanted to continue the traveling life. It had been my plan to move back to the states after grad school in the UK, but then I met my future husband here.
After falling in love I left my nice, private apartment in the center of London to move in with him in a small town, into a flat he shared with three other people. It was horrendous as twp of those people stole from me and bullied me. My then boyfriend and I shortly after moved into our own flat, which had to be in a place that was convenient for his work. I thought it would be temporary but we are on the brink of signing another two-year lease after having already been here for four years, five if you include that period in the shared flat which was absolute torture.
I can’t stay in this town any longer. I went from moving once a year and leading an interesting and fulfilling life to staying in a place I detest for four years just so that his commute was OK, even though it meant I had to travel for over an hour to central London every day for my own work. Now this seems to be the standard – the flat is laid out to his comfort, located for his comfort, and I’m just an appendage to his life; that’s what it feels like at least.
My job sometimes requires lengthy stays abroad and his unwillingness to move or even let me leave for work has already significantly lowered my career prospects. I cannot take an academic job outside of the UK because he’s concerned he won’t find a job anywhere outside of London (despite not actually working in London but in a small town next to it), and of course if I continue to live within his borders soon I won’t have a career at all and be completely dependent on him. I can’t do this commute as it is too stressful with the hordes of bad-tempered commuters trying to elbow their way into a seat at each rush hour, the air pollution is constantly making me ill, and most importantly, I’m unhappy here.
I think all of us know what to do, it’s just taking that step and saying, my needs matter too so I’m going to go where I need to be.
I am in my 40’s moved from MI to OK in 2015, and I have tried to make it work, but it’s been the most emotional roller coaster ride for me because my 2 oldest children live in MI still and it is hard for me to go see them, they are young with no help except my parents if something should happen. It is a no-brainer to me… I wan to be near my kids why can’t we just go back, but my husband will not hear me out. He actually start’s arguments with me if I try to talk to him about going back. I am told I am being manipulative and such. I am pissed off. I was told that we would go back last year and since he won’t sit down and discuss how we can get back or look for a job, I feel I have been lied to.
Sorry you are struggling. We, too, moved to OK (from In) around the same time you did. I am still homesick for IN–I loved the large’ish town we lived in but also loved riding my bike in the gentle countryside there: cornfields, country roads and the change of seasons. (I did not enjoy the gray winters all that much though). The people in OK are great and I have made some nice friends but we leave in a smaller town and there are NO jobs for me here other than retail or fast food. To work in a job that will adequately pay the bills and in my area of expertise, I will have a 2+ hours round trip commute. The lack of access to quality medical care here is a major issue for me as I have a serious health condition, requiring me to fly out of state to see the specialists that I need. I feel very trapped here and feel like my career has died and my zest for life has dwindled. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.
I hate Oklahoma I as well will be moving back to Idaho from Oklahoma he’s Spanish n said he picks his mom over me we’ve been living as roommates a year now I’m going my moms I’ll n my sister n daughter are in Idaho I’m doing this told him already in 7 months to get it all sold n ship a trailer n truck n drive my car down it will cost but no more bring miserable I’ll get a better job too no. More waitressing
My wife took a job 90 miles away from our current home. She wants to move closer to that job to cut down travel time. It is nearly impossible to find another home that meets our needs due to having horses. She is insistent on moving, but when I ask her to where, she doesn’t have an answer. Moving would most likely increase my drive time to work including having to drive across a major city which she currently travels. Moving to a home half way between the two jobs puts us out in the boonies and gives both of us about a 40 minute drive. Did I mention we have 6 year old and 2 year old boys who will need school and daycare? Where are we going to find that out there. If we move very close to her job, then I will have a very long drive to work which I don’t want either and would eventually have to look at changing jobs, which of course I don’t want to do. The job opportunities in the region are not stellar by any means and may mean a pay cut for me which negates the pay increase for her job. I don’t know if she has considered finding a job closer to our current home or not, and I am reluctant to bring it up because I think she will blow up if I do. Any ideas out there? At this point I don’t see this ending well. Her biggest problem in my opinion is that she oversimplifies everything. “Let’s move” to her involves leaving one house and arriving at another, with no thought of the process, complications, logistics, or cost of moving. I am pretty set on not moving, she is pretty set on moving, and I feel that we have reached an impasse. She also believes that if we move that we must sell our current house; I am not a fan of that idea either. I would rather keep it and rent it out because I fear that in a couple of years we are going to be moving back to basically where we are right now. If we keep the house then we could move right back in. I really don’t see this ending well. Did I say that already?
Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I’m in a similar situation. My husband wants to relocate to Arizona and I want to stay here in nm. I have suggested that he move there temporarily and once he settles and I’m able to find a job then I will join him. It’s about compromise but I know it’s not an easy decision. All the best in your decision. Weigh the pros and cons of moving.
Did your husband move to AZ and you stay in NM? My husband is wanting to move to AZ and stated last night that he will do just that because I don’t want to leave CO until our kids are out of High School…6 more years. My husband is retired and I love my job here. I think it is wrong to rip kids out of High School.
In similar predicament
I could sell my home for $750,000 and buy a nicer home for $500,000 that is 45 minutes away. My wife doesn’t want to as we’re 30 minutes away from her mother and this will make us an hour away.
Yes I’m serious.
She’s also concerned it will hurt our 14 year old daughter, changing schools and friends.
I fear she will become like her mother, having an unhealthy fear of change.
I love my wife dearly. We have been married almost 25 years and this has been an issue in the past.
It tears me up inside.
I let my spouse convince me to move. When we purchased our old house, it was in the subdivision I grew up in. I’d live in this area my entire life and I knew where everything was. I loved the area not only because all my fondest memories of growing up were there but it was all I knew. When the crash came in 2008, we both lost our job on the same day but we managed to put our lives back together. We just weren’t making as much as we had been making. My mother had been living with us since then and passed away in 2017. My husband sprung the idea of moving on me shortly after that. We had taken my learning disabled sister to live in the area we were moving to-she was to stay with my mother-in-law. Right after we took her down there to live while we sold the house, we discovered she was terminally ill and she died in early 2018. I lost my mother, my sister and the house I dreamed of owning my whole life. Before we moved, we’d fixed everything and decorated it the way I always knew it could look. Then we sold it. I’m home sick. I hate where we moved and I hate being in such close proximity to my in-laws. I feel like a selfish jerk for saying that. The area we were living in up in the south Chicago suburbs was expensive. The taxes were killing us. While it made sense to sell and move to where the cost of living could afford us to live a better life, I can’t help being homesick. I miss my home town so much and I cry all the time. I know financially it made sense for us to leave but I can’t help missing the town I grew up in.
so sad. How are you doing now? four years later? I hope there’s a happy ending here! please share.
I’m in the same predicament ! Moved to Lancashire in England to live with my boyfriend . Been together 13 years but known him longer no children now I want to move back to be with my family and friends but he wants to stay in Lancashire . He has little family in Lancashire .
I to feel lost as what on earth to do next ! I love him dearly but am so unhappy .
I am 64 and my wife is 56 and we want to retire in a couple years. We have the money to buy a house if we move to another area. The housing market here is completely out of hand and out of our reach. I did all this research about where to move to and by sharing everything I learned with her she was as excited as I was to move. Now she has found out that her daughter in law is pregnant after 9 years trying and there is no way she will leave. So now all the plans we made have vanished. She wants to scrap all of our plans and I am really at a loss. I am very unhappy and don’t know what I should do.
Hi – I am currently in a 7 year relationship with my boyfriend; we have been dating since senior year of high school. Long story short, neither of us went away to college (we both did online) so we have never lived away from home. In the past I have wanted to move from our current state but, my boyfriend is very firm on staying where we are currently living and is not planning on moving until “he retires”… WE currenlt live in D.C. I, myself, have tried to convince him to move down south, up north and even a state away but he is not budging… I have been presented the opportunity to become a celebrity personal assistance for a high profiled musician but, I would have to move to L.A. (California). There are opportunities for my boyfriend in California, as he is in the tech industry but, he informed me that he is not going anywhere and will not leave our current state… even if I decide to move to California… He has informed me that I am acting childish wanting to move all of the time. Please help!! I love my boyfriend but, I feel lost!
I feel for you all my Bucharest to move to Florida but I don’t want he reaching retirement in July of next year…well anyway like I said I don’t want to move over there we facing so many issues here with our relationship n he thinks that going over there is going to solve our problems he said he wants to move because of his friends ….nothing that has to do with our relationship and making it better….like they say you can change the area you live but you can’t change the person….I feel we need to workout on our issues before heading anyway this way we. An start a new life together……but he see no problem…..
I want to move so badly but my husband is anxious about the whole idea…live In Staten Island ny…changing so quickly for the worse…I am 64 he is 74, says he is too old to move….have gone to NE Tennessee to look around…it’s great there….now is the time to sell here …sellers market
We’re from England and moved to NC over 34 years ago. We have one daughter who is about to get married. I have never been happy in NC. There’s nothing to do here, no culture or history and the weather’s is too hot and humid in the summer. I also miss my UK family and friends and go home every year for a couples of months, despite the worry that my husband is an alcoholic and runs the risk of ending up in hospital or injuring someone else. My daughter can’t stand her father and begged me to move out which I have done. He does nothing in the house. He’s 73 and says he’s too old to do anything. I am 69 and don’t want to throw away what life I’ve got left. Any suggestions would be welcome either personal or legal. After over 30 years it would be hard to call it quits but don’t know what else to do.
But you said you’ve already moved out so I’m not sure what you need advice on. Move back to England and the two months a year you spent in the UK, spend it in NC instead.
I’m from the beach. I met my husband when my family moved to the Midwest. I hated it from day 1. My husband promised we would move right away. We’re almost retirement age. I left him because he broke all his promises. He was vindictive during the divorce and I got almost nothing. Thanks a lot! As if I didn’t suffer enough.
I’m offered a great opportunity to work in my field of study. Although I’m not going to make more than I make currently, doing something I don’t like, the company is offering me relocation benefits such as help us move, down payment on the new house, etc. My wife doesn’t want to move because she’s been in the south her entire life and we have always lived 5 miles away from her parents. I have sacrificed to live in this area to make her happy. We have 2 beautiful babies and her parents help babysit. I’m excited and I really think we should move. My wife can transfer jobs but she doesn’t want to. Should I relocate by myself and travel to see the family? I know my wife is being a bit selfish but I’m concerned about the kids if I move alone. Any comments?
Hi All,
Thanks so much for this great forum. I am in a similar situation to most of you. I was living in the Bay Area and moved to Missouri to be closer to my daughter so we could have time together before her passing. My wife also passed and I was single for a time where I built my won successful business and I travel frequently. I am 70 and 6 yrs ago I met my wonderful wife from Peru. She was a resident and is now a citizen thru her own study. I travel in my work and my wife travels with me, she has seen 26 states so far and I pay her a small salary. I love her and do my best to support her, send her family money, bring them here to the USA and send her there to visit. The issue is we have no real friends here and her brother, his wife and 3 cute kids live in southern Florida. I own my home outright, and have my small business and my life here. She wants to pick up sell everything and move to Fla to be closer to her brother in case something happens to one of us we can have a hand or help from family and it is easier for her family to fly from Peru to Miami than add another leg to fly here, we live in a city with an International Airport 45 min away from us. She says she is only talking and expressing her feelings however for 6 yrs it has not stopped, I am not making this up 3 times a week or more constant needling me about the weather there and here, her family will not come here, there is nothing to do here, she misses her family, there is no one to help us. The list goes on and we end up in an argument 3 times a week that last for a day or 2. It is Memorial Day and true to form another Holiday ruined, I have not had one Holiday that we did not argue, no vacation and it does not stop and she says she is only talking when it is in my opinion constant complaining. I have told her to go herself, of course I am her only means of support and I explained if we need help there are many agencies that provide help at a very reasonable cost that is a fraction of the cost of moving. I believe that to sell my property, closing, real estate fees, home prep to sell, and buy another, moving expenses and associated costs would well be in the $ 50,000 to $ 60,000 range plus I have a work truck, RV & Utility Trailer to sell or move ? Its a mess and I do not know what to do ? Any suggestions are helpful thank you.
When my husband and I first started dating, one of his major “dealbreakers” was wanting to move to Texas, where his parents planned on moving. At the time I was in agreement; I wasn’t very close with my family and was just starting a job that I wasn’t tied to yet. It’s been almost 5 years now and we got married last summer, and over the years my feelings on the subject have changed. I no longer want to leave; my relationship with my sisters is stronger than ever and I see my dad frequently. I’m also terrified about not being able to find work. In addition, we would be living with his parents in a home which would afford little to no privacy. All of my family, my friends, and my work is here…and my husband works remote so he wouldn’t be giving up more than his privacy. To clarify, my husband thinks that moving in his his folks and not having rent-related expenses is the only way to pay off his debts (from before we were together) and save for a house. I don’t want to go, and I’m honestly not sure the tradeoffs in privacy, job opportunity, and not knowing anyone else would be worth it for me, and he’s too close to it to see my side as more than just a surface-level concern. We have no children and don’t have plans to have any, but I don’t want to be 35 and living with my in-laws in an unfamiliar place. After reading stories of many of you who have been married for some time and then wanted to move back, I worry that our still-new marriage might not survive the move if it happens. My therapist suggested making a pro and con list together to make it more visual. My husband is a lovely person and seems to only see one solution, so maybe that will help him see a bigger picture with more options.
My wife and I currently live in Alaska, and I absolutely hate it here. I’ve been here all my life (25 years), and she has been here since she was 7. My dad passed away a couple of years ago, and my mom also wants to move. I’m estranged from all my relatives here, while my mom’s family lives in Iowa/Colorado. Most of our friends have even left Alaska and are all thriving in their new home towns/states.
My wife is reluctant to leave. I’m pretty sure she still wants to leave, but she is a bit scared, and maybe not sure about Texas. Even though this move would be better financially and medically (since she needs treatment), most of her family is here, and she has a few close friends who she has known since she first moved from the Philippines. A couple of years ago, she was eager to leave Alaska, but now she is second-guessing things.
We found out recently that we will need to undergo IVF in order to have a child. She now is hellbent that this is the only reason we are moving, and she says that if things don’t work, she will likely move back. I refuse to stay in Alaska any longer, and will not move back, even if she says that she will. I have moderate/severe asthma, and the cold, dry air is awful for it. I have a stuffy nose and dry mouth every day here, and in Texas, I had zero problems. I could actually exercise and feel fine there. Coming back to Alaska, I noticed an immediate change and noticed my skin drying up right away.
Also, I refuse to live another winter here. I HATE snow, and especially for seven or more months of the year. I could deal with even four months, but not most of the year. If we moved to Texas, and she did end up not liking it enough to stay, I’d be okay with moving to another part of the country, even Minnesota or Wisconsin. We’re both Conservative Catholics, so a more conservative-friendly state would be ideal for us (that’s part of the reason I love Texas).
I just want to make the move to the lower 48 easier on us, and never have to deal with Alaska again (outside of yearly visits to see family).
Minnesota is a baffling option if you cant handle snow, cold air, dryness, and long winters.
It is, isn’t it? Tonight it is -14 degrees with 6″ of snow we’ve had for several days here in western SD. I, too, would give almost anything, except my beloved husband, 5 indoor cats, dog, and horse, to go to Texas or back to Florida after 24 years, sigh…… 70 this year; wonder if he’ll ever agree?
After 30 years in the Tampa Fl area, my husband has decided he wants to live on the east cost of the state. After much soul searching, I have decided I do not want to and cannot to live there. We have already purchased a house there and plan to sell the one we have now. I am disturbed beyond belief as all my friends and history here are on the west coast of FL. He does not care. I have made an appt with a counselor as this has caused me to become severely depressed. All he wants to do is surf and rehab the house. I cannot comprehend moving away from all I have known here for 30 years. Am severely depressed and also will be leaving my only child and will be 4 hours away from him. Have to make the move $$ wise but if I cana’t handle it I am coming back. Just typing about this gives me a huge stomach ache. But sharing this also helps.
I empathize with you and totally get it!
Annie, you don’t have to move. it’s your life too. How did this end up?
I am glad I am on this website with people with similar problems. I am on Long Island. I loved in Miami prior to meeting my husband. We have been married over 25 years. Two daughters both in Boston for now he has a job where he Cannot move. He has been clear he will never retire. I am miserable. Have been for years. Don’t like the Suburbs or for that matter the cold winters The past few years I have gone for a month down to Florida alone and met family and friends Down
There If I could I would uproot and live in Florida or live in NYC and be a slow bird in winter
Although city very pricey. I don’t work take classes and volunteer and looking for a part time job. He is the breadwinner. I feel like I am suffocating in this house in the suburbs I have talked to him and it just ends up in a fight If I financially could I would leave
Before I got married I told her I wanted to live on the West Coast one day. She had no problem with it. After getting married I found out this wasn’t the case. As a matter of fact, because she has lived in the same place her whole life, she won’t leave it. She has a neurotic fear of change. I have accepted this for 25 years, but now have an opportunity to sell our home to buy one 45 minutes away for far less, be able to pay off the home and put a good chunk in the bank.
Be set for life and retire early.
This has threatened our marriage badly and she lost 21 lbs from the stress of it.
I think Marriage Contracts of what each person expects from married life, and what they each want out of life, should be law. Might help stop the “surprises.”
Wow … I can hardly say how this makes me feel… I had no idea so many others are in similar situations with their partners and dealing with disagreements as to where to live!
I love NY, my home all my life. 56yr! My husband of 37yr wants to live in Florida… we even tried a 6 month trial and guess what! We BOTH were unhappy! But now he wants a redo! Says we were depressed and dealing with too much at the time of the trial. So he wants to try again!
We just got resettled in NY, I hate the idea of returning to Florida, different location or not it’s still not home. I don’t want to go at all,, he plays and maybe rightfully so, the health card, says the weather in NY kills him in the winter. We talked about snowbirding but we can’t afford it. I’m really struggling with this. I’m trying to be understanding… I’m trying to find a way we both can be happy., I just don’t know what to do.
I met my husband in Oklahoma city. We were living in his hometown and we moved into a place his aunt and uncle owned. Then one day they told we had to be out in a week because they sold the house. we where planning on buying the house and they knew that. We sunk pretty much everything we had into fixing up the place, so we had no extra money and no where to go. I was going to school at this time. So he wanted to live with his dad for a while to save money and I had gotten a job offer from my small hometown about 2 hours north from OKC. So we figured that he would move in with his dad and I would move back home. We did that for about a year then he finally came to me. Well now and 2 years later he wants to leave my hometown which I do not blame him, there is nothing here to do. He travels for work and is gone maybe 8 months out of the year. We were talking about where we where going to live and the only place he wanted to go was back to OKC. I was not happy there but I told him I would go wherever he wanted as long as we where together. I found a place in the Tulsa area that was beautiful and affordable, but he didn’t want any part in it. It is hard for me when he travels for work, because most of the time I am on my own. We don’t have kids, so most of the time I am by myself. I told him I wanted to live somewhere I felt safe to be on my own, and that was not the case in OKC. All his family lives in the OKC area but he never went to visit and now he wants to be closer to his family. This will tell you how much we went to see his family when we only lived 20 min. from them. We have been together for 5 years and I had only seen his dad maybe a dozen times, his dad doesn’t even know my name. I met his sister the day we got married and that was almost 3 years ago. Haven’t seen her since. We go to the city all the time and when we do we don’t go and see his family. He doesn’t even tell his family he is back in town when he gets done with a job. I don’t care where we live, but it is like he doesn’t even consider my input. Well I have gotten a job offer that would take me to the Tulsa area, a really good job offer, but he doesn’t want to move to Tulsa. I don’t know what to do. I am really thinking about just going anyway whether he comes or not. He is a great provider and husband, but I feel like he doesn’t want to make this decision together. If it is not where he wants to live than every answer he gives is no.
Look up videos on covert narcissists
My husband was offered a good opportunity in Albuquerque, NM and originally I was excited.
When went out for a spousal approval trip and all of a sudden, I was not digging it anymore. I got really sick from the elevation as well as the heat. The city was rundown and depressing, and I come from Cincinnati, OH and it has a lot of run down parts too, but this was worse!
I’ve been sick to my stomach for over a week, telling my husband that this doesn’t feel like a place that I could call home and that the risk feels greater than the rewards. I can hardly stomach the idea of a year out there, and if he loved it there, it could be the end of our marriage.
By the way, we only got married back in March of 2019. that’s less than 5 months. I feel other opportunities will come along and he says he’ll turn it down for me, but also says he may wonder about it the rest of this life.
I’m really hurting
I have been to Albuquerque. spelling sorry it’s very late here in California. You made the right decision.
Long story short my wife couldn’t get the type of job with her degree she wanted so she started applying everywhere. Needless to say she got offered a position with ECU and had very little time to accept once they offered. We’ve been here 3 years and I’ve hated this place a month after getting here, not a fan of the city, culture, or climate, I’m miserable. We now have 2 kids with in laws moving here in a month unfortunately. Lately since my wife has said no to even thinking about moving my temper has become bad, I’m rude to anyone I cross because I don’t care anymore. I keep getting told by her and her family I need to get over it but like I told them not every place is for everyone. Ultimately it will either be me sucking it up and being miserable or our marriage ends in divorce.
My wife had moved to Texas and I went there with her for one day and I couldn’t stay there i tried to get her to change her mind to come back to Mississippi and she keep saying no she like it there we been separated for 2 months now I’m really temping to say f…. It because I want to take care of my wife and kids but her and the girls way out there and me and my son here in Mississippi. But she keep saying she miss us and stuff and I also keep telling her that I move at my own pace like I really won’t feel comfortable to stay there in Texas at all I feel comfortable to stay here in Mississippi or Louisiana and I had asked her bout Louisiana and she still said no but I’m at the end of the rop like I just don’t know what to do anymore
I’ve been trying to get my husband to move to South FL for at least ten years. We’ve been married for 26 years. We have two sons and we lost one son to brain cancer when he was seven years old (still live in the same home). We live in a small town in SC. I have always hated it here. Everyone knows everyone, that can be a good thing or a bad thing sometimes. It’s a very judgy little place. The ocean has always been my happy place. I love the warm weather… All year round. I can’t take cold weather at all due to hypothyroid disease. When we go to south fl I feel alive and happy. It seems as soon as we get back home I feel the dark cloud hover over me again. I absolutely hate my life here. I feel so trapped. I love my husband and children more than anything. My oldest son just got married and had a baby. Now I feel more trapped. I want to be able to see the baby and my son but I hate life in this town and this home more than anything. My husband is the biggest procrastinator. He’s said he’s looking for jobs in the Tampa/Clearwater/St.Pete area But he is knit picking them to death. Or saying no-one wants to hire someone his age (50) that they’d rather have the fresh kids right out of college and pay them less. He’s a senior manufacturing engineer with a mechanical engineering degree at his present job (loves it there). He’s highly respected and been there 21 years.
We visit the Clearwater/St.Pete area two or three times a year. Last time we thought maybe if we went to church there (loved the church) that we could connect with some people who might have job connections. It’s just hard to do when you’re only there for seven or ten days each time. We’ve connected through email, fb and instagram but no one has reached out. He has his resume out there but every time he gets a call someone says well we don’t have anything in FL but we do have something in NC… Etc
Anyway… I’m losing hope. I love my family and feel like my life will forever be lived trapped in this hell of a town that I absolutely hate.
Im sorry you are going through that. I haven’t felt too conflicted drastically about where to live with my hubby and our kids until recently. I don’t like change. I am reserved when it comes to moving. I live in CA. My hubby has a great job here, the weather is good here, there’s friends and a great church here, but I can’t stand the politics here! I’d love to try to live in another state but my husband is very resistant. It is very frustrating but I am trying to tread lightly on this. CA has changed so much. It may have a beautiful landscape here but it is so expensive here with so many problems and what they teach in the schools is not ok. I have tried to bring up these concerns to him before but he becomes easily overwhelmed by this topic and shuts down. I need to pray for answers. But he is willing to visit new places with me at least. We just got back from Texas! I looooooved it there! There is freedom there and I felt it with the warm air right away but it is so green and CA is in a drought again, with fire season fast approaching. Maybe if things are going well , moving isn’t an issue but my family dynamics have really broken down in the past with my parents and I do think that less is more! I hope more answers will come. For now I’m homeschooling the kids and will be patient and hopefully keep learning about other states to move to! Good luck everyone! You are not alone on this issue.
My husband and I are from Indiana. He is 76 I am 62. We have been married 40 years. My husband had lost both parents, so we decided to move to a small town in Arizona to be close to my parents. We were there for 4 years when my husband had a quadruple bypass surgery. We then decided to move to Florida to be closer to two of our children. I loved it we are both retired and it was wonderful but expensive. So we decided to come back to Arizona to save some money, to take care of my folks. But it just isn’t working out. I want to be with my boys and my husband said he would stay here and I could go back to Florida. He said he was too old to be moving again. I am now torn with what to do. I have never been so depressed and lonely. He goes to bed at 6:00 p.m. I ask him if he wanted a separation after the Holidays and he said whatever I wanted. I am so confused do I choose my kids or my husband who doesn’t want to do anything. My parents are 84 and 90 still live in their same home but they are slipping and I feel like I would be abandoning them to if I move. I feel life is short live it your way, but being married over 40 years I would have never thought I would be in this situation. I don’t want to come off as a selfish person but this is really wearing me down.I cry all the time and I am just very confused.I feel like I am constantly surrounded by old people, and the streets roll up at 9:00. I still feel young and like to have fun listening to bands or going to musicals and museums. I don’t want to die in the place and I feel older each day. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it ! CHEERS, LISSA
Put your folks in a home. Divorce your husband and move to a city with night life like Miami or San Francisco or somewhere else with nightlife that is affordable. Somewhere u love. Life is too damn short!
Lissa, what are you doing now?
About 15 years ago I moved from the Upper Midwest to near Chicago here for not only opportunity but, my now spouse. Since I’ve moved here I’ve tried in vain to make things work but, nothing is panning out for myself on personal level all around. I’ve tried to make the most out of this situation but, I’m questioning after 15 years if I should try somewhere else without my spouse.
I’ve tried expressing to my spouse that, I don’t feel like this is my life path to be here and not much has panned out since I’ve moved/lived here. I’m just told that I’m too negative and that I haven’t tried hard enough. I disagree as I have lived here for 15 years with no family/friends/declining health/broken promises/very little support and watch opportunities dwindle by despite my best efforts on my part. I try not to feel the way I do but, I just can’t feel a personal connection to where I live as it pretty flat and mainly just flat farmland.
Additionally, my spouse stated that I would be able to get the property/workshop that I desired but, they haven’t held their end of the deal up or Gentleman’s Agreement. My spouse has promised this and that but, not followed through or even showed some attempt to follow through those promises. I just feel like they try to change me to their liking and not accept who I am or try to have some sympathy despite our situation.
I normally, don’t post stuff like this in public but, I have no one else to hear me out or vaguely discuss this with. I’m confused on what to do but, my heart is leaning toward saving some money and wanting to eventually leave here as if I can’t have friends/family then perhaps I can at least have a nice/geographically a nice place to live.
I’m currently living in Greece have no work in winter and rely on my husband for money I only work for 6 months in summer he’s told me to save for the winter which is impossible we have no children but I have a good job opportunity in the UK £1800 a month for 12 months but my husband won’t leave he will not leave his mother which I’m so sick off its liked I’m married to them both my mam said we can live with her until we are sorted and my husband gets on so well with my mam he even offered her to come and live with us in Greece but financially it’s no good for her I’m so unhappy and when I talk to him all I get is ok you go to UK and have a nice life see who will win I’m so unhappy if I stay here I have no money hardly and if I leave I will lose my marriage I have noone to talk to over here so any advice would be greatly appreciated
My husband is 79 and has had a stoke and two heart attack.I am also not well,as I have Parkingsons.We live in a 650 sq metre house on largemgrounds.We also own a lovely medium size beach house inmanmestate where I want to move too .My children are nearby and the tropical weather is perfect But my husband doesn’t want to,give up the big property and it is obviously too much for us to manage.We have to,employ a garden service and pool service and security company and a maid .How can I make him see sense !
I want to move bacl to Denmark where i grew up, my fiancé wants yo build a new house in the capital of the Faroe islands for several millions DKK and that means a pretty big loan, and that means we have to work full-time until our daughter moves out, and then we are left in a big empty house, and we lost a lot og time with our daughter when she lived gome, and in Denmark i thw region i wants to move to, i get paid to take care of my daughter until she starts in school, schools are frwe, taxes are lower, we could buy a bigger hpuse for much less money, and i could get futher education when our daughter starts school. Also I’m chronically ill and health care is much better in Denmark than here on the Faroe islands. I have a lot of family in that area of Denmark and even my fiancé have friends living close yothat region too, like an hour awa. But he will not be financially free, priorities family time, because he have never lived in another country, i have lived in Denmark, in Mexico and on the Faroe islands, and Denmark is the best functioning country of these 3 countries we will gain so much, and lose so little but he just doesn’t get it because he is in a state of extreme fear of anything that is different.
It is the only thing thag we argue about, and it is ruining so mucv. Sometimes he promises me we will move nexg year and then a few weeks latwr he says he never wants to move, and i feel he lies just to shut me up
Yeah, I feel for Kirstin.
I just posted my story about my husband wanting to stay in his comfort zone and fear of moving, now that we have sold our house and after years of talking and planning.
I’m sorry…but I feel that my husband is just plain selfish.
My husband and I talked in length and planned a more relaxed, financially stable and less stressful move to Tasmania. We eventually put our house on the market and it took nearly 18 months to sell. We have just recently got an offer on our property and accepted it. Financially it is sound. The buyer is giving us 12 weeks to move and willing to give us a bit more time, if we pay rent. So this is all good as we have a good amount of time to secure a new home in Tassie, pack up and move.
But a week after accepting the offer, my husband tells me he is scared of moving to Tasmania. He doesn’t want to move out of his comfort zone. We had planned our future out in Tassie and I have a new business started up there with a friend as a partner, she is just waiting for me to move there.
Where we live is a small town, with not much opportunity and gets really hot and dry and I am sick of the hot weather…I’m talking 40+ degrees.
He is happy to sell our current home, as it is too big for us now, but wants to buy a house in this small town. I don’t want to and I want to move ahead with our plans and experience a new venture. We have friends down where we would move already, so we won’t be alone.
He had an anxiety attack the other night and has been stressing out it for the last few days. We talk at length about it, but we can’t agree or even come with a compromise, without me giving up my new business in Tassie and new venture.
But honestly…I don’t know if all this sob story about being scared is real or he just doesn’t want to make the effort and move, so I can live some of my dreams.
My husband and I talked in length and planned a more relaxed, financially stable and less stressful move to Tasmania. We eventually put our house on the market and it took nearly 18 months to sell. We have just recently got an offer on our property and accepted it. Financially it is sound. The buyer is giving us 12 weeks to move and willing to give us a bit more time, if we pay rent. So this is all good as we have a good amount of time to secure a new home in Tassie, pack up and move.
But a week after accepting the offer, my husband tells me he is scared of moving to Tasmania. He doesn’t want to move out of his comfort zone. We had planned our future out in Tassie and I have a new business started up there with a friend as a partner, she is just waiting for me to move there.
Where we live is a small town, with not much opportunity and gets really hot and dry and I am sick of the hot weather…I’m talking 40+ degrees.
He is happy to sell our current home, as it is too big for us now, but wants to buy a house in this small town. I don’t want to and I want to move ahead with our plans and experience a new venture. We have friends down where we would move already, so we won’t be alone.
He had an anxiety attack the other night and has been stressing out it for the last few days. We talk at length about it, but we can’t agree or even come with a compromise, without me giving up my new business in Tassie and new venture.
But honestly…I don’t know if all this sob story about being scared is real or he just doesn’t want to make the effort and move, so I can live some of my dreams.
My wife and i moved to Miami 8 years ago from NY, i hate it so much, nothing to do, too hot for me, She claims to be happy here, but it is because she has her family here, all my family is in Greece, i have a house there and after spending 50 years in the states, I am ready to move back to my country. She does not want to move, i am not happy here, i feel that i will have regrets if she is alone. The other day she did say to me, that she has given me enough clues for me to go. Since we moved to Miami I suffered 4 strokes and had hear surgery, We have tickets to go to Greece for 2 months in a couple of weeks, i am thinking of not coming back, I don’t know how that is going to effect her in the future. I know that she wants to come back to be near her mom.
Any advise is greatly appreciated.
Appreciate the useful information
Me and my husband met in Detroit Mi snd lived there and dated for 4 years.At the time Detroit was pretty boring and dead.We decided to move to Miami and started out business down here.We have been very successful but for the past 4 years Ive been really wanting to go back.We both have family there and lots of friends.I visit often and see the city is a lot more fun and alive.I also love the Midwest people,the fact that it isn’t crowded and not oppressive humid all thr time.The heat really bothers me and depresses me.I miss Michigan cloudy weather and crisp air.On top of everything we can afford a much nicer house there and have even more financial freedom.He doesn’t want to move so I decided Im going back by myself.Its so bittersweet but I dont know what to do anymore 🙁
I’ve wanted to move out of my current home for years, but the wife has never wanted to. She becomes angry and or upset and has meltdowns when we have discussions about moving. She says that she won’t have any friends, yet some of her friends have moved away to other states. Our neighborhood has turned into party central, the neighborhood is going through a big demographic change, now I feel that I need to leave just for peace of mind. I am beginning to feel trapped in my home and starting to feel resentment towards her. In years past, I thought about selling and buying up for the real estate investment, she never wanted to, so we stayed. I’m the only one trying to get the house ready to sell, I get no help from her, no encouragement, no ideas, nothing. I would like to move out of CA, even though she has parents in AZ, she doesn’t even want to go there. WTH? I’m at witts end. I’m spinning my wheels, she seemed willing to move at one point and we looked in several states, then after traveling, expresses again that she doesn’t really want to leave. Recently she told me to do what I want and put the house up for sale and then has a meltdown again. SMH.
What do you think?
My husband and I are from different countries. He is two years younger. I am from country A.
We met in my senior year in country A. We’ve both bonded over the fact that we hated country A and wanted to move back to Asia. But when I got a job in Japan right before graduation, one of my favorite countries, but I turned it down to stay in the small town we were in. I hated the city but grinded through with a toxic company I applied to just to stay with him and wait for him to graduate.
2 years later, I got a contract job in a big tech firm in Country S and didn’t think twice. He couldn’t find a job there so we did long distance between Country S and A. He proposed to me shortly before I moved to Country S.
Since I wasn’t able to extend my contract due to the pandemic and visa issues, he suggested that I move back to country S.. We got married and helped him get permanent residency (aka he can legally work and live permanently in country A). It was rough since I really hated the country due to racism and lack of commonality with people. I didn’t have any close friends and spent most of my time watching TV from Asia. My husband would invite me to outings with his friends, but we didn’t click. I also ended up complaining about the food, lack of safety, and bad public transportation. My negative energy made me depressed and prevented me from making friends. Since we’ve started dating, I’ve been telling my husband that I wanted to move to Asia ASAP and didn’t like country A. But suddenly he decided to look for other jobs in the Country A and accepted one.
Now I’ve finally gotten a permanent job of my dreams in Country S, my favorite country. My work visa and my husband’s dependent visa are approved. But he doesn’t want to leave his high paying job in Country A because he just started it 2 months ago. He also hates Country S and doesn’t recognize my Japan situation as a sacrifice. I feel resentment because he expects me to find him a job in Country S for him.
It’s hard because he’s still very junior in his career and could lose his permanent residency if he stays overseas for too long. Or we would have to pay thousands of dollars for him to fly back and forth each month to maintain “continuous presence” for his permanent residency status. Since we have different passports, it’s really tough to coordinate a country where we can both legally stay in the long term. Unfortunately, Country A is the only option.
I’m wondering if I should just long distance until one of us gives up and moves….or we divorce.
I want to move from the area I live because I am constantly being bothered by Sasquatch(s). I know that sounds like an unbelievable problem to have, but it’s true. I cannot go outside and relax in my hot tub, before they appear at the treeline wanting food…talk about a botheration (bother + irritation)…then I have to trudge back inside my house, soaking wet, and get a roast or whatever meat is in the fridge and thawed, although one day I was so angry I threw them a rack of frozen ribs, a meat Popsicle as it were. They seemed satisfied, trudging back into the forest, grunting amongst themselves punctuated by an occasional howl.
IF I don’t feed them, they pelt my house with rocks and large limbs, try explaining that to the contractor who comes in to repair the damage!
So that’s my dilemma.
Such a great information about an eventual relocation. Thanks for sharing…
Back when we were engaged in 2005 my husbands parents were pressuring us to move to Florida. I’m from Pennsylvania but we were both living in Baltimore at the time. I love seasons and hated this area on the a east coast of Florida that his parents were. I explained this to him with no uncertainty. I’d NEVER want to move here. He agreed that we’d never move to Florida. We got married, had our first baby and his mom got sick. He wanted to spend what little time he had left with her. I didn’t want to move but of course agreed to temporarily for this important reason. She passed within a month of us moving down. I begged to go back up north. Our things were still in storage. He always made excuses why we couldn’t move. I hated the humidity, bugs, gators, people…I needed my seasons to breathe and feel alive in my soul. I wanted to be near my mom. We had another baby right away. I’m a stay at home mom and continued to beg to move. I felt ignored. I became depressed. He promised it would be 3-5 years in Florida max. That felt like an eternity to do without fall, cozy Christmases, support from my mom…we continued to have kids and now have five. Our oldest is 15. Our kids are 15,14,12,9 and 7. WE ARE STILL IN FLORIDA. My teens would feel depressed if we moved. I would feel guilty because they love the beach. I feel disregarded and ignored for 15 years. Feel like my needs don’t matter. I literally can’t stand it here in weather that never changes. When I visit my hometown in northeast PA I get so sad when we come back to Florida. I ceased living fully down here and it makes me angry inside But I’m the only one. I’m getting bitter. I’m stuck. I’d make my kids miserable and they’d likely hate and or blame me if we moved North now at this age. When they were young was the time to do it. I feel like the perpetual bad guy and he always gets his way. He sleeps so well at night. Meanwhile, I’m up stewing. What do I do? It feels too late. I wanted to raise my babies up north but now they’re Florida kids and I feel tricked into this life.
AGB, my story is similar to yours. My wife and I are both from Missouri and had our first baby in 2005 and two more kids soon after. We lived within an hour of both of our parents, which was great. Lots of weekend visits, holidays and birthdays. Loved it and I was so lucky to have that, sorry you have not. Over the years she mentioned wanting to move, but we both agreed being close to parents was good and nothing came of it. About seven years back, she took a trip with her sister to Hawaii as a girls’ getaway and to celebrate her sister’s divorce. Like some Hollywood romance, her sister fell in love with a local guy. A few months after the sisters got back, SIL is packing up to move there to be with him (who does that?). My wife brings up the idea of moving again, no mention of Hawaii, and I realize how important this is to her. Without much discussion, I say it’s obvious we should move to Hawaii too, but we both agree only temporarily, maybe 2-3 years. I also have to mention that at this time, I was pretty burnt out and depressed from my job, and our relationship was suffering because of it. So I thought this was a chance to be a supportive husband and get our relationship back on track. I did find a job that I like, but soon after we got here, my wife told me she didn’t want to be married any more and she never wanted to go back home. I was shocked. Surely we could work things out, but no, the relationship continued spiraling down. I was depressed, even when we were having family fun at the beach, missing home and my parents and wanting the kids to grow up there, kicking myself for ever thinking moving here was a good idea. But we still managed as a family for the kids. Fast forward to now, my parents are both gone and I was finally able to afford my own place and move out…we’ll be divorced soon. I want to be here for my kids but still miss home. My kids only know Hawaii now. I’m a big fan of seasons too (love the cozy Christmases!) and not so much of the beach. I mean, it’s fun and relaxing, but I miss home. Anyway, I wasn’t exactly tricked into this, but looking back I’m like why did I ever.
I don’t know what to say for your situation except I get it. I just wonder if you get any relief from sharing your story and reading others? I’m pretty surprised at how I feel a little better right now…I hope things get better for you in time but understand your dilemma.